Thursday, January 5, 2012

A Look Back...

I’m going to kind of pour my heart out here.

If you’re here for malicious reasons…if you’ve come back to stalk my blog again (you know exactly who you are), to try and illicit information that you can then misconstrue to try and use against us/me - try to hurt us with, then leave. This is not for you and you are not welcome here. 

Before I got into a post for this years resolutions I wanted to take a moment (a very looooooong moment) to reflect on last years resolutions:

Stay happy - Probably my biggest fail. I made my resolutions in the very early part of January. On February 19th, during a trip back to California to meet my niece for the first time, I managed to piss off the majority of my family…and they haven’t spoken to me since. I don’t understand how this has happened. I know the circumstances that lead up to it. I can see the events unfold in front of me… But I can’t stop them from happening now, just like I couldn’t stop them from happening then. I miss my mom, and my sister, and my grandparents… My mom and grandma were the biggest influences in my life. Hard to feel good about yourself when the people you look up to want nothing to do with you. I don’t think it’s possible to be entirely happy when you have such big holes in your life. That was a really personal thing to put out there… But at this point I’m not sure I care. I've kinda come to terms with the fact that nobody reads my shitty little blog anyway. I’m not a bad person - I know this with all my heart. But a happy person? No. Not necessarily. Not all the time. 

On a positive note - My father and I managed to come back into each other’s lives full force. We’re learning that we weren't necessarily the people we thought we were. I have a new found love and respect for that man. He’s such an incredible person. Constantly urging me to write. "Write, write, write” he tells me. He says that I have so much to share… Not too sure he’s right about that - but it feels so good to have a person with that much faith in you. I love you, Dad and miss you terribly.

Blog more frequently - Holy crap! A resolution I managed to stick with!!! I blogged over three times the amount I did in 2010... My blog is something I love. And whether or not it’s shitty, whether or not people read it, it’s mine. It’s my little corner of time that I can freeze - I can say I was here. I existed. It encourages me to get out and do things so that I’ll have something to talk about on it. Without it, I don’t know how isolated I might be. I mean let’s face it. We just moved to Kentucky last year - and we know only two people in this state (Hi Dee and Nancy, if you happened to stop by!)

Love this man as much as possible every single wonderful moment of my life - Wow - that was a smarmy one wasn't it? “...every single wonderful moment of my life”??? ***snort*** Okay, smarmy or not, this one was a cake walk. How could I not? I owe this man everything. He stood by me when everyone else walked away…He is the air I breathe on many a day. He makes me laugh. Compliments me on things I didn’t even know I needed to be complimented on. I never thought I’d be so in love with someone. The blogosphere is such a fake ass place sometimes. I know a lot of people (myself included) try to keep their blogs positive and uplifting places to stop off and visit…however I feel very strongly that it creates an air of fakeness. No one is going to tell us about the fight they had with their husband over his erratic driving skills, or the fact that he is constantly leaving his dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. They want to tie it up with a pretty little bow and present it as if it was a perfect package. I’m here to say - this is not the case with Todd and I. We are a very real couple, with very real fights. I annoy the crap out of him and vice versa. But I love him, and he loves me. We’ll never be a perfect package with a pretty little bow. We’re just going to be us. That’s the only thing we know how to be. We’ll work on our problems as they arise - together. We’ll never turn away from each other. This is a resolution I’ve realized that I’ll never need to make again. To love this man (in all our imperfectness) is just a way of life.

Expand the craftiness - This one turned out pretty good too! I actually opened my etsy store (holy crap I‘ve even made 11 sales!!!)… Finished a quilted tree skirt…made a billion pom pom banners….Ugh. Whatever, lol! I’m satisfied with this one.

Finish projects - Nope. Still have a pile a mile high in my office. :)

Live healthier - We managed to eat much, much healthier this past year. I’m becoming quite proficient in the kitchen and I make dinner more nights than not. And even though I resolved to not eat any more McDonald’s (the picture of that perfect burger that had been sitting out on that woman’s counter for six months still haunts me) we ate there a handful of times over the last year…I’m okay with that. It was better than eating it four times a week like we were. I started an exercise regimen that lasted about two days. I hate exercising - ♪♪♪hate it♪♪♪ - and it’s even harder out here when the summers are sweltering and doing their damn best to kill you with bugs and heat, and the winters don’t allow you to spend anytime outdoors. My weight is never bad. I'm 5'6 and I weigh usually between 105 and 120...depending on my medications at the time - but damn my cardio has suffered severely. Especially since I’ve not been working for the past couple years. My ass has become way to acquainted with my couch.

Send spectacular packages to my loved ones - you know exactly how many spectacular packages I sent out? Zero. None. How’s that for keeping a resolution?

So that’s it - my resolutions for 2010. Not a complete success (not even a remote success) - but I’m not going to beat myself up over them. To be completely real with you, I forgot about them for most of the year. I’m not too sure what my resolution(s) are going to be this year yet. I’ve had things bouncing around in my head and heart for awhile now. Actually, that’s a lie. I know what they’re going to be… I’m just trying to figure out the best way to word them…so I don’t sound more like a sentimental idiot than I need to.

‘til next time…


  1. Love it! While it is good to reflect and note progress, I think you are selling yourself short on all your success! Happiness, constantly? Please, no such thing, unless you're fooling yourself or heavily medicated. You have a wonderful life, Colleen. You are loved and loving, talented, beautiful, smart and most importantly REAL. So pat yourself on the back and look forward to what's ahead. To those who are foolish enough, for whatever reason, not be part of your life, C'est la vie, their loss. I'm so happy to be reunited again and see you in such a wonderful place, even if it is in Ky!

  2. Hey Colleen, wanted you to know how much I agree w/ you on the fakeness people try to force onto us daily. UGH! It's just gross. That being said, it's nice to hear that you & Todd are a REAL couple & have REAL fights & annoy the crap out of each other sometimes...My hubbs & I have a similar Love/Irritate/Annoy/Love relationship lol.

  3. Uh oh. I stalk your blog all the time. :)

    This is such a heartfelt post inspiring that you had the courage to write it.

    And, FYI, I too am totally guilty of sugar coating my blog.

  4. *big big hug* I'm so sorry you "lost" a lot of your family. :( I did as well, my dad because... well, let's just say he's not a good father. My sisters are nothing like me anymore... I lost my mom, as she had died in '07... She's the only one I really truly miss. Family is those you WANT in your life, not those who cause you stress. I have family as in Jen, our pets, my mother-in-law and my friends.

    I hope 2012 is wonderful for you, gorgeous!

  5. Awesome post. And FYI - I think they proved that the McDonald's thing was a fake? not that it make's Mickey D's healthy. I am partial to the occasional (i.e. once a month, if that) In-n-Out burger. Animal style of course. PS I made no resolutions other than finding a job and I just BARELY made that goal. lol

  6. LOVE this post. I empathize with you on SO many levels and just know you can contact me if you ever need to talk/vent. You're such a wonderful person and I am so happy that we've become blogging friends. I look forward to your posts every time I see them in my Google Reader!

  7. haven't time to read all...but will be back later. Just wanted to send you a virtual (big squashy bossomed) hug your way - guessing someone's been mean?!
    Love fee ♥

  8. One of the main reasons I don't blog very often is because sometimes what I have to say is not what I see on most other blogs. I am a fairly happy girl but also am a real person and get depressed, pissed, etc, I used to delete those posts that I felt where just airing my negative laundry, but then I decided, this is my life I'm writing about, the good,the bad, and the things I feel passionate about.
    I have to say I am one of the good kind of stalkers. I started following your blog because it is real. I love your craftiness and I love how you bring the real world into your posts. I hope 2012 is an awesome one for you.

  9. I am so sorry to hear about your family. Maybe this year can bring you back together in one way or another. I laughed at the part about your man because E and I struggle with things too and obviously that doesn't make us any less in love or good together. It is just part of the deal, and when people act like everything is perfect always, I wonder, but at the same time, it is the internet and I know we cannot and will not show everything, sort of tricky. Here's to a better 2012!


  10. Ok, Colleen here I am reading your blog for the first time and all I have to say is I love you so much. You are my ONLY true real friend. I'm so glad to have you in my life. I feel so damn lucky to know you. This blog is so encouraging cause is it so real. Can't wait to see you & spend time with you again. I cherish every second I have with you...... Mel


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